Syawal

It has been ages since I wrote. I am scared that I might jinx my health.IT IS BETTER NOW! Dengan kuasa ALLAH s.w.t I am fine. Cuma pen at sikit? But that is expected as I syawal is still 2 weeks left. Btw, I have an iPad2.. My family bought as my birthday gift. As I I really need one for my new spanking job.EDITOR. Even my immediate boss has one too! Melas gitu. But seriously....ALHAMDULILLAH, dengan kuasa ALLAH s.w.t Dan berkat doa PARENTS,FAMILY And everyone....I am on my road tp recovery!!! Plus I thought I was pregnant...but then it was just a false alarm... I am ok bout it. Okie 12am. Gtg, tq lovely peopl

i hate myself

I am dissapointed today. For many reasons that is. I thought I could count on you to back me up.But instead you are ashamed of who I am. I know that you take me as a burden in your life.Crying myself to sleep has been a daily ritual for me , so that I would be tired enough to go to sleep alone. I have never felt so lonely in a house filled with people. At this crucial time of recovery, you choose to alienate me and left me all alone to settle down and comfort myself. Nothing I do seem to please you. All I do seem to be against your believes and principles. Why can’t you back me up? It hurts to know that you are ashamed of my weakness. From where I stand, I can see that things are going downhill after this. And I might loose everything that I have now.~riefa~

i hate myself

I am dissapointed today. For many reasons that is. I thought I could count on you to back me up.But instead you are ashamed of who I am. I know that you take me as a burden in your life.Crying myself to sleep has been a daily ritual for me , so that I would be tired enough to go to sleep alone. I have never felt so lonely in a house filled with people. At this crucial time of recovery, you choose to alienate me and left me all alone to settle down and comfort myself. Nothing I do seem to please you. All I do seem to be against your believes and principles. Why can’t you back me up? It hurts to know that you are ashamed of my weakness. From where I stand, I can see that things are going downhill after this. And I might loose everything that I have now.~riefa~

hug?

Copy This As Your Status, And See What People Want From You:
1 - Phone number
2 - Second chance
3 - Hangout
4 - Friendship
............5 - To Chill
6 - A Long Term Relationship
7 -A Kiss
8 - An Apology
9 - A Hug
10 - Be My Best friend ?
11 - I Just Love You
12 - Be Mine ?
13 - Call you
14 - Sing With Me XD
15- Text You
16- A Smile
17- I Miss You
PICK ONE.. ;)

In reality, and truthfully i am not well. my back hurts [ backbone senget since born ]. I chest feels so tight and i find difficulty in breathing. Each time I take a deep breath , all the muscles ache like hell. My migraine is getting worst. Normally I would take Cafegot and the pain will decrease. but now it does not work that way. I have to take volteran. 24/7 my whole body would be in pain. I do not know what to do anymore. My whole family is clueless now. Even  my elder sister who is doctor.

The saddest part is when i have lost my confidence to drive. It is like a huge labyrinth with big buses and lorries. I don't think I can be the designated driver anymore.

flickering lights would confuse my judgements and co-ordinations. bright lights would make me fell giddy.

i fell like vomiting mist of the time.

while i am going through these,Kitty would always be by myside. Each time I get up to go to the toilet at night, she will accompany met. Then when i get on my bed to continue my sleep, she will get into her basket and watch me.

At the moment, I am home alone with the kids. While watching a Korean Drama - Goong , Jinggo and MiMi are sound asleep on the carpet. They were fooling around all over the room. I guess they are tired.

Kitty and Copy are downstairs. Nowadays, my children would want my attention. They would take turn to sleep on my lap/chest. Each of them always have something to say to me. They would meow non stop for atleast 5 minutes. hmmmmm

anyway, i still think the best options is for me to be admitted to the hospital and let the specialists figure out what is wrong with me. KAN?

Tough days lay ahead..

Dah dpt tarikh for CT scan and EEG.
Gerun jugak bila dengar persedian yg kena buat sebelum dua tarikh tuh.
and for ctscan, i might have difficulties in breathing. so , they will give me 30 pills tuh telan b4 the procedure.
hmmm..

i am still sakit. Masa holiday pon sakit teruk. Kesian Hubby, had to catch me before i jatuh sebab pitam.

esok puasa..mampukah?

Injection

Yesterday was a nightmare! I had to drive back home , crying. I could not stand the traffic. It was insane because I was not in the condition to drive. Why? Migraine. It started early in the morning when I received a letter from my ‘big boss’.  It was bad news. I placed the letter aside and tried my best to ignore my fate. But I guess, my mind has its own ‘mind’. I was unconsciously still thinking about the bad news and TADAAA! My migraine controlled my body , starting noon. By 3pm I was already shaking. Tried my very best to control myself from taking any medication as I was on the road towards a meds free life. Unfortunately, I had to take it. I swallowed the yellow pill at 4pm. FYI , it takes about an hour or so for me to feel better, Hence, it was the last 30 minutes when I was crying in the car. Luckily enough , I wore my shades. The moment I reached home , Jinggo and MiMing and Kitty were there waiting faithfully for me to feed them. Jinggo was talkative as usual. I think he was telling how his day was. I had to practically crawl up the stairs with 3 cats around me. Jinggo was first to reach my bedroom door. The moment I opened it, he ran straight to the red bowl. FOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!...i managed to smile. After feeding them [ while I was on all fours like them ] , I took my shower. I lay down next to them. JINGGO was still eating!... Then it was 6pm – my fav show was on – It started with a kiss [ntv7]- it has a CUTE storyline. Later I suddenly realized that I could not move my legs. It was NUMB [ kebas ]. Tried to get up , but failed! My body was too weak to respond to me. Migraine was still there.

The moment hubby Ali reached home , I screamed for help. We knew that my condition was getter from bad to worst. My weak health is slowly controlling my body and mind. At 930pm , we rushed to the clinic for my injection.

StrEngth.

I had a very bad afternoon at PPUM, Alhamdulillah Hubby Ali made me realize that I must be strong as I was before to survive in this demanding world. If I keep on being weak.. I will be crushed!!! As my father said to me, LEARN FROM YOUR HUSBAND on how be strong...

Kaki sejuk Badan panas?

It's 341am. I am crying. My body, especially my neck feels hot. It's burning actually. But my feet are so cold!. Nyamuk gigit merata2. Sembur sikit Ridsect. Jahat nyamuk2 ni. I have not taken proper meal 2 days in a row. Swallowing meds only. As a result, tekak rasa loyar. Seriously , belakang & urat sakit sgt. Pelik. Memang rasa pelik. Mcm Ada benda duduk sebelah atau belakang. Boleh ke nk tido balik nih?

Hurting

It is Friday noonish. Friday prayers soon. Me? I am at home trying my best to breath. My chest is tight. Asthma.the weather is not helping me. Body is weak. Mind is all blurry and unfocused. I am thinking about tons of things. No one can help me at this point. No one but Allah. I must fight this invisible battle that only I can see and feel the anguish that us coming from it. Will I survive?

70%

It is 110am. I am hvg migraine. Typing w one eye coz the other dah shut tight sebab migraine. Esok nak kena gi kursus at genting till Rabu. Will i survive? I am under meds & i easily have fainting spells. Hubby ali is worried. Chances of me going? 30%. I've packed. But i am damn sure not confident enough to go. But how to explain to someone who refuses to understand?... Dilemma. Bdn gigil. I am blogging to calm myself. To rant out. Hoping that esok ill be okie. Dr. Hazim, pls come and meet me when u get back..

Took xanax, onadrine, cafegot & vonteran ---> called my GP for the right meds. so do u peeps worry.

Bluek!

It is 353am. As usual, i am awake at odd hours. Accompanied kitty while she eat and sort of forced miming to go back to sleep. I Came back Home with Tata & Arissa. Tata's father picked them up at my house. I was to exhausted and sick to drive back. Ended up throwing up at the front drain. Nothing seem to stay in my tummy. My Subway lunch went down the toilet bowl at 330pm earlier. And my 7pm noodle soup ended up in the drain. Hubby ali had migraine and i am the only one who could massage his head skull to find the right vein. Ended up burping alot. Hmmmmm adding pain to my windy tummy. Better go back to sleep. It is Kinonuniya Day tommorrow as an Editor!! Books i am personally aiming for, walk like a lady, think like a man & summer in the city. Goodnites sweetones.

Empty tank

Guess where i am at 1224am. With miming at the porch. Took 4 sleeping pills earlier but it did not work. Stupid meds. When i said i have problems , HE said HE has more problems . Okie fine, i decided to tak my car out for a spin. I remember filling it up FULL tank. But what i was given - empty with blinking lights- what the crap my two weeks worth of petrol was sucked out. I was pissed. Me filled with xanax + loraxepam + efazor + onadrine drove to the nearby petrol pump to fill rm5 worth of petrol. That was all i had, but good enough for me go to work in six hours. No more lending my car to people. Yiesh!

depressing

spelling error was intentianally

after falling fown like that stupid egg that kept falling and all the kings horses and all the kings men could not put humpty together again shit.

i have bruises like a rotten tomato or what ever.

warning : i am under the influence of various drowsy medicine and the idea of my bff and hubby are not reading these entries , makes me go bezsrk

now where the heck is my headphone - adele 19 time ...


i seem to write better when i am high on drugs- this is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad....takkan nak nak makan my cocktail masa kerja kot!!

anyway...my head is like this bubblegum + magnet . in collects things like nobody's business and to disect it is like hell. magnet campur bubblegum tuh!!!....i concentrating on my magazine - then i came across this BERSIH 2.0 article...and the next thing I know I am being our PM , thingking how to solve the problem?

Haiya perempuan! you are just an editor , pegawai kerajaan yang bergaji cukup makan...

nut now i think i should have bought an LV bag rather than that LED 40" tv - now hubby is stuck to it with his PS3....otak i must have kena stupefied and fried.

so okie , now i know  that i am stuck here for awhile as an editor....no teaching at the moment...crap!

p/s buy adele 19 giler best..and oh ya the latest one too adele 21 i think

weekend

nothing happened this weekend, other than me sleeping and watch HELLCATS.

I think my depression is coming. I seem to refuse to get out of my house , well my room even.

i am lost and i need to get back on track. it seems to be impossible nowadays , since most of my relatives and yada yada are leading their own lives.

I need a plan. ASAP

overdosed

 

Miming took advantage of me being drugged - she slept 3/4 of my pillow!!

This happens when I go bezerk ,

I sleep with them on the carpet.

I feel safe with them around me.

#5 Identity

I have this theory on why I am so messed up. It really shows when it comes to my music choices. No doubt it was r&b ----> hiphop ---> alternative ---> indie .... Now do you understand why I am a messed up person. Basically I am a head cheerleader wearing converse/Nike who plays the guitar. I go to gigs and how I wish I am young enough to go to i-City to watch the finale of showdown. Next mess up stuff. I may be into those music genre that requires a group of people to keep it alive. But then I AM A LONER. I can stay in my room for days. Watching DVDs or read books AND SLEEP!. I used to adore black now I am mixing it up with PINK. In my cupboard I own cargo pants, graffiti t, skirts,dresses, so I guess that is why my 8feet wide cupboard is just not enough. Bags! Backpack , dinner clutches, canvas, leather. I almost have all. It is like a mini mall!. Nowadays when I need time off, i would put on cargo, converse and hooded t. My hubby would freak out if HE sees me in that outfit. Btw i Love the song beggin, the butterfingers, boysIImen, bunkface....

p/s i need to send the guitar for   sevice ...if not buy a new one la kot

#4 fainting spells

I have no idea why i took the carkeys and drove myself to the clinic. On my way there i dropped by to buy our cats' food, refill my fuel and pumped in air into my car tyre. As i expected, i my mind was not focused enough to drive, hence i kept the left lane. As i reached the clinic, i could see atleast 10 patients were ahead of me. I locked my car. If the car next to mine was not close ( even worst if there werent any) i nearly colapsed. I leaned against my car after i was able to gain control of my movements. It took me 10mins or so to be able to take baby steps to clinic. And now i am on the clinic steel bed, waiting for my turn.


Xoxo
Mieka

#3 on the floor i slept

I was very drowsy and a complete mess yesterday


I felt dizzy and fell down not less that 5 times.


The last fall made me gave up and I ended up sleeping on the floor.


What kind of life I am leading.


Nothing in my life is 100% beautiful anymore.


Nothing excites me but gives me more anxiety attacks instead.


I feel paranoid


I feel like I am going to die young with no daughter or son.


A mess.


xoxo
Mieka

#1

Would things have ended up differently if u refused to take up TESL in the year 1996?
or would it have been different if I was not so adamant or 'degil' to persue / rekindle my friendship with Ali after our weird fight in the year 1992?
Or if I actually accepted An's proposal for me to be his girlfriend?

Many things can't be explained and definitely cannot be predicted.

Here I am an Editor and by next week [ crossing my fingers ] I would return to my life as an English Language Teacher. I started teaching in 2001 and stopped for 2 years since 2009. Now I am itching to back to teaching. To get me Mojo back!

I need this. BADLY.

Some say that I am running away from my problems here.

But I take it as solving my problems by being SANE first.

Hence I need to be far away from the city , urban , suburban area - I need greenery to stay focused and alive.

Fresh air never failed to make me happy. - even the smell of cows and what not.

I think this would be enough for my first entry of truth.

xoxo
Mieka

#2

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